You said you loved me
That’s why I said I do
Then you vanished from me
The charming, funny guy I knew
Your hands are on me
I’m thinking how dare you
I dare not say it
Still gotta get the kids from you
Mom said she didn’t like the look in your eyes
I should’ve listened
Now I sacrifice
A moment of safety found in his daily routine
He sits in the tub to sleep
I have a chance to think, to breathe
My mind wanders, plotting for weeks things I could never say aloud
I’ve found a way out
The time is now
But his death? Can I live with it?
It’s him or me,
But, the kids?
Before I talk myself out of it again
I slap my face, I need to be urgent
“Juju, grab your brother and run
Here’s my cell phone go outside dial 9-11”
She looks at me with her big brown eyes
Does she know my plan
Tears down her face,
I wipe them
“Be strong for mommy
Just say there’s been an accident”
She’s terrified,
I reinforce,
“Baby, it’s okay, Daddy’s just having a long dream
It’s important to do what I say”
Kissing her forehead I whisper,
“Go Juju, go! It’ll be ok baby”
She goes, but I don’t think she believes me,
Cadence in my voice must’ve given me away.
They’re out of the house
I climb the stairs his drink in my hand
Today I take the power from the man
My freedom already in his bottle
All he has to do is sip, he’ll see
Today is the day he’ll hit me
“Carol! I’ve been waiting for almost an hour for my drink”
Such an eerie tone for a complete creep
“I’m sorry, it wasn’t cold, something happened with the fridge and…”
“Shut up woman,
Bring my drink, then in the corner on your knees
While I think
Hmm, what should your punishment be?”
“Master, can it wait until the children are asleep?”
“You beg for mercy, I’ll consider your request,
On your knees, you know what’s coming next.”
He downed his drink as he stood,
How is this cowardly rat my husband too
All desires for him to touch me are long dead, buried, and passed into another’s worlds eternity
I have to fake it or be killed.
Forcing myself for my children
I do it for them.
He wobbles towards me,
It has to be the drugs?
In case it doesn’t work, I stand
“Babe, what’s happening to you?”
He slips and falls, hitting his head on the tub,
Thinking to myself,
“This is working as it should.”
Running to my kids
Fear kicks in
What if they check for drugs, for poison?
God forgive me
What I have done?
How do I tell my kids their dad is gone
Oblivious to my pain as Cam plays
Wonder stretched across Juju’s face
Her eyes are talking to me
I open my arms
She runs and gives me a hug
She’s 13, I’ve taken innocence from her
A siren sounds
I look up,
“Hello Mr. Officer”
“Ma’am we got a call,” the officer said
“He’s in the bathroom, he hit his head, I think he’s dead”
The officer runs inside
I feel like he was staring at my black eye
The bruises all over that I can no longer hide
The severity of agony he can readily see
If I tell him what happened, maybe he’ll help me
Everything is bubbling all over inside
The officer yells to his partner
“Call for help, he’s still alive!”
I rose to my feet in haste
“Juju, stay here, watch Cam, wait for mommy!”
Running up the stairs watching them resuscitate
The paramedics got here so fast
Is everyone against me?
This can’t be happening,
No! He can’t be allowed to live,
Not with everything he’s done to me
The rape, abuse, torture, and lies
Continual mind games
He’s ruined my life
No friends, family
He’s preys constantly on my mind
Praying to God,
I need him to die
He gasps for breath
I can’t stand it I cringe
Hand on a knife I have in my pocket,
Juju burst through the door
Letting go of the knife, I grab on to her
“Baby, where’s Cam?”
“He’s in his room coloring, Mom, is daddy gonna be ok?”
I just hug her, afraid of what I might say.
They put him on a stretcher
And run him out of the door
Unsure of the residue
I rinse the bottle and put it on the floor
Opening the door, “Can I help you, Officer?”
“Can you tell me what happened?”
This is a different cop, he doesn’t care about me
I’m not ready to answer
I don’t know what to say
“Can we do this at the hospital, I wanna make sure my husband is ok.”
“I’m sorry ma’am, I just wanted to know if I could help in any way”
“I just need to gather my kids and we’ll be on our way.”
Mentally I’m scrambling
“If there’s anything you want to tell me, now would be the time?”
“Mr. Officer, is there something on your mind?”
He just looks at me as if it’s so obvious,
I’m shaking and furious
And wondering if they’ll take my kids.
I haven’t seen my mother since I married Robert
But she is the guardian for them both
I don’t even know if she knows
Either way, she’ll be great
I won’t cry for them
If they take me away
Moments pass, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m in shock I can’t think. I’m too nervous can you drive me?”
He takes the bait
He’ll wait
I did not think this through
Before I could blink we were
Arriving at the hospital
All I wanted to hear was
“Sorry, we did all we could do”
Internally wishing him dead
They call me in
I get other news instead
“He’s alive, we’re just waiting for him to wake up
He’ll be in a lot of pain
We had to pump his stomach.”
I gasp in shock, “I don’t understand
What does this mean for my husband?”
The doctor replies, “It means he will live and not die.”
He sees the pain and fear in my eyes
I smile, “Thank you doctor!”
He turns away
I sigh
This news is somewhat of a surprise
He was evil before
How do I survive?
I go towards his room and open the door
The walls fade away
He’s taken my soul
I have no will to live
Save my kids
If there was a way to take him out
I’d die with him
