Made By Pain Part 1

You said you loved me

That’s why I said I do

Then you vanished from me

The charming, funny guy I knew

Your hands are on me

I’m thinking how dare you

I dare not say it

Still gotta get the kids from you

Mom said she didn’t like the look in your eyes 

I should’ve listened 

Now I sacrifice 

 

A moment of safety found in his daily routine

He sits in the tub to sleep

I have a chance to think, to breathe

My mind wanders, plotting for weeks things I could never say aloud 

I’ve found a way out 

The time is now

But his death? Can I live with it?

It’s him or me,

But, the kids?

Before I talk myself out of it again

I slap my face, I need to be urgent

 

“Juju, grab your brother and  run

Here’s my cell phone go outside dial 9-11”

 

She looks at me with her big brown eyes

Does she know my plan

Tears down her face,

I wipe them

 

“Be strong for mommy

Just say there’s been an accident”

 

She’s terrified,

I reinforce,

 

“Baby, it’s okay, Daddy’s just having a long dream

It’s important to do what I say”

 

Kissing her forehead I whisper,

 

“Go Juju, go! It’ll be ok baby”

 

She goes, but I don’t think she believes me,

Cadence in my voice must’ve given me away.

 

They’re out of the house

I climb the stairs his drink in my hand

Today I take the power from the man

My freedom already in his bottle

All he has to do is sip, he’ll see

Today is the day he’ll hit me

 

“Carol! I’ve been waiting for almost an hour for my drink”

Such an eerie tone for a complete creep

 

“I’m sorry, it wasn’t cold, something happened with the fridge and…”

 

“Shut up woman, 

Bring my drink, then in the corner on your knees

While I think 

Hmm, what should your punishment be?”

 

“Master, can it wait until the children are asleep?”

 

“You beg for mercy, I’ll consider your request,

On your knees, you know what’s coming next.”

 

He downed his drink as he stood,

How is this cowardly rat my husband too

All desires for him to touch me are long dead, buried, and passed into another’s worlds eternity

I have to fake it or be killed.

Forcing myself for my children

I do it for them.

 

He wobbles towards me,

It has to be the drugs?

In case it doesn’t work, I stand 

 

“Babe, what’s happening to you?”

 

He slips and falls, hitting his head on the tub,

 

Thinking to myself,

“This is working as it should.”

 

Running to my kids 

Fear kicks in

What if they check for drugs, for poison?

 

God forgive me

What I have done?

How do I tell my kids their dad is gone

Oblivious to my pain as Cam plays

Wonder stretched across Juju’s face

Her eyes are talking to me

I open my arms

She runs and gives me a hug

She’s 13, I’ve taken innocence from her

A siren sounds

I look up,

“Hello Mr. Officer”

 

“Ma’am we got a call,” the officer said

“He’s in the bathroom, he hit his head, I think he’s dead”

 

The officer runs inside

I feel like he was staring at my black eye

The bruises all over that I can no longer hide

The severity of agony he can readily see

If I tell him what happened, maybe he’ll help me

 

Everything is bubbling all over inside

The officer yells to his partner

“Call for help, he’s still alive!”

 

I rose to my feet in haste

“Juju, stay here, watch Cam, wait for mommy!”

 

Running up the stairs watching them resuscitate

The paramedics got here so fast

Is everyone against me?

This can’t be happening,

No! He can’t be allowed to live,

Not with everything he’s done to me

The rape, abuse, torture, and lies

Continual mind games

He’s ruined my life

No friends, family

He’s preys constantly on my mind

Praying to God, 

I need him to die

 

He gasps for breath

I can’t stand it I cringe

Hand on a knife I have in my pocket, 

Juju burst through the door

Letting go of the knife, I grab on to her

 

“Baby, where’s Cam?”

“He’s in his room coloring, Mom, is daddy gonna be ok?”

 

I just hug her, afraid of what I might say.

 

They put him on a stretcher

And run him out of the door

Unsure of the residue

I rinse the bottle and put it on the floor

Opening the door, “Can I help you, Officer?”

 

“Can you tell me what happened?”

This is a different cop, he doesn’t care about me

I’m not ready to answer

I don’t know what to say

“Can we do this at the hospital, I wanna make sure my husband is ok.”

 

“I’m sorry ma’am, I just wanted to know if I could help in any way”

 

“I just need to gather my kids and we’ll be on our way.”

 

Mentally I’m scrambling 

 

“If there’s anything you want to tell me, now would be the time?”

 

“Mr. Officer, is there something on your mind?”

 

He just looks at me as if it’s so obvious,

I’m shaking and furious

And wondering if they’ll take my kids.

I haven’t seen my mother since I married Robert

But she is the guardian for them both

I don’t even know if she knows

Either way, she’ll be great

I won’t cry for them

If they take me away

 

Moments pass, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m in shock I can’t think. I’m too nervous can you drive me?”

He takes the bait

He’ll wait

I did not think this through 

Before I could blink we were

Arriving at the hospital

 

All I wanted to hear was

“Sorry, we did all we could do”

Internally wishing him dead

They call me in

I get other news instead

 

“He’s alive, we’re just waiting for him to wake up

He’ll be in a lot of pain

We had to pump his stomach.”

 

I gasp in shock, “I don’t understand

What does this mean for my husband?”

 

The doctor replies, “It means he will live and not die.”

 

He sees the pain and fear in my eyes

I smile, “Thank you doctor!”

He turns away

I sigh

This news is somewhat of a surprise

He was evil before

How do I survive?

 

I go towards his room and open the door 

The walls fade away

He’s taken my soul

I have no will to live

Save my kids

If there was a way to take him out

I’d die with him

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