Forbidden

The taste of lust on your tongue

The longing for a desire that has been sparked but not begun

The question if this forbidden is a gift

Make way for a life ending with a kiss

 

Wrapped in tangles of bewildered thoughts

You chose me

When I didn’t want to be loved

You held my hand when my heart was broken

And I pushed you away

You, still, gave life to me

When the cold grip of death had me in it’s embrace

You fought for my life

Shielding against my fears

Saving me from myself

Changing my desire, my grit, my will

 

You’re not the love of my life because you’re beautiful

You’re the love of my life because you saved my soul

 

I’d rather die in the light than be an enemy to it

You are my light

My purpose

I want no other thing

Than to please and be pleased

By the joy our love brings

 

Love me again

Merciless

Ever just want to break down and cry

But you don’t

Your decisions

Your life

Your fault

 

Someone stop the pain and aching inside

Largest pangs are from the smallest things in life

 

I try and I try

As hard as I can

I sing real loud

To hide from my emptiness

Dance sometimes 

Get my body in the way

My heart aches less while I’m moving

Sad, that’s happiness to me

 

Still choking in a box

Waiting to be freed

Eyes wide shut

Wanting to be seen

Fist balled tight

But my mind can’t see

Chest clamped in a vice

It’s getting harder to believe

In Anything

It’s getting harder 

To breathe, 

Trying not to close off the world

Failing miserably

Still, I try to fit in 

Let me put on my smile

With a make-up kit

Plaster on a face

Who’s face I don’t care

I just want to slip into life unaware

 

Friend?

See my pain

As your sight passes my threshold

Windows to the soul

They’re closed

Is there hope for me?

 

What else do I have to give?

Search me

I bare to you my soul

Have mercy

Take not what you don’t own

Forbearance

Find love in me

I’m floating in a sea of abyss

Mercilessly

Made By Pain Part 1

You said you loved me

That’s why I said I do

Then you vanished from me

The charming, funny guy I knew

Your hands are on me

I’m thinking how dare you

I dare not say it

Still gotta get the kids from you

Mom said she didn’t like the look in your eyes 

I should’ve listened 

Now I sacrifice 

 

A moment of safety found in his daily routine

He sits in the tub to sleep

I have a chance to think, to breathe

My mind wanders, plotting for weeks things I could never say aloud 

I’ve found a way out 

The time is now

But his death? Can I live with it?

It’s him or me,

But, the kids?

Before I talk myself out of it again

I slap my face, I need to be urgent

 

“Juju, grab your brother and  run

Here’s my cell phone go outside dial 9-11”

 

She looks at me with her big brown eyes

Does she know my plan

Tears down her face,

I wipe them

 

“Be strong for mommy

Just say there’s been an accident”

 

She’s terrified,

I reinforce,

 

“Baby, it’s okay, Daddy’s just having a long dream

It’s important to do what I say”

 

Kissing her forehead I whisper,

 

“Go Juju, go! It’ll be ok baby”

 

She goes, but I don’t think she believes me,

Cadence in my voice must’ve given me away.

 

They’re out of the house

I climb the stairs his drink in my hand

Today I take the power from the man

My freedom already in his bottle

All he has to do is sip, he’ll see

Today is the day he’ll hit me

 

“Carol! I’ve been waiting for almost an hour for my drink”

Such an eerie tone for a complete creep

 

“I’m sorry, it wasn’t cold, something happened with the fridge and…”

 

“Shut up woman, 

Bring my drink, then in the corner on your knees

While I think 

Hmm, what should your punishment be?”

 

“Master, can it wait until the children are asleep?”

 

“You beg for mercy, I’ll consider your request,

On your knees, you know what’s coming next.”

 

He downed his drink as he stood,

How is this cowardly rat my husband too

All desires for him to touch me are long dead, buried, and passed into another’s worlds eternity

I have to fake it or be killed.

Forcing myself for my children

I do it for them.

 

He wobbles towards me,

It has to be the drugs?

In case it doesn’t work, I stand 

 

“Babe, what’s happening to you?”

 

He slips and falls, hitting his head on the tub,

 

Thinking to myself,

“This is working as it should.”

 

Running to my kids 

Fear kicks in

What if they check for drugs, for poison?

 

God forgive me

What I have done?

How do I tell my kids their dad is gone

Oblivious to my pain as Cam plays

Wonder stretched across Juju’s face

Her eyes are talking to me

I open my arms

She runs and gives me a hug

She’s 13, I’ve taken innocence from her

A siren sounds

I look up,

“Hello Mr. Officer”

 

“Ma’am we got a call,” the officer said

“He’s in the bathroom, he hit his head, I think he’s dead”

 

The officer runs inside

I feel like he was staring at my black eye

The bruises all over that I can no longer hide

The severity of agony he can readily see

If I tell him what happened, maybe he’ll help me

 

Everything is bubbling all over inside

The officer yells to his partner

“Call for help, he’s still alive!”

 

I rose to my feet in haste

“Juju, stay here, watch Cam, wait for mommy!”

 

Running up the stairs watching them resuscitate

The paramedics got here so fast

Is everyone against me?

This can’t be happening,

No! He can’t be allowed to live,

Not with everything he’s done to me

The rape, abuse, torture, and lies

Continual mind games

He’s ruined my life

No friends, family

He’s preys constantly on my mind

Praying to God, 

I need him to die

 

He gasps for breath

I can’t stand it I cringe

Hand on a knife I have in my pocket, 

Juju burst through the door

Letting go of the knife, I grab on to her

 

“Baby, where’s Cam?”

“He’s in his room coloring, Mom, is daddy gonna be ok?”

 

I just hug her, afraid of what I might say.

 

They put him on a stretcher

And run him out of the door

Unsure of the residue

I rinse the bottle and put it on the floor

Opening the door, “Can I help you, Officer?”

 

“Can you tell me what happened?”

This is a different cop, he doesn’t care about me

I’m not ready to answer

I don’t know what to say

“Can we do this at the hospital, I wanna make sure my husband is ok.”

 

“I’m sorry ma’am, I just wanted to know if I could help in any way”

 

“I just need to gather my kids and we’ll be on our way.”

 

Mentally I’m scrambling 

 

“If there’s anything you want to tell me, now would be the time?”

 

“Mr. Officer, is there something on your mind?”

 

He just looks at me as if it’s so obvious,

I’m shaking and furious

And wondering if they’ll take my kids.

I haven’t seen my mother since I married Robert

But she is the guardian for them both

I don’t even know if she knows

Either way, she’ll be great

I won’t cry for them

If they take me away

 

Moments pass, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m in shock I can’t think. I’m too nervous can you drive me?”

He takes the bait

He’ll wait

I did not think this through 

Before I could blink we were

Arriving at the hospital

 

All I wanted to hear was

“Sorry, we did all we could do”

Internally wishing him dead

They call me in

I get other news instead

 

“He’s alive, we’re just waiting for him to wake up

He’ll be in a lot of pain

We had to pump his stomach.”

 

I gasp in shock, “I don’t understand

What does this mean for my husband?”

 

The doctor replies, “It means he will live and not die.”

 

He sees the pain and fear in my eyes

I smile, “Thank you doctor!”

He turns away

I sigh

This news is somewhat of a surprise

He was evil before

How do I survive?

 

I go towards his room and open the door 

The walls fade away

He’s taken my soul

I have no will to live

Save my kids

If there was a way to take him out

I’d die with him

Lost/Always

I sought hope

She escaped

I fell to my knees

Lost breaks me

All I wanted was the need to believe

Faith is ever fading

Wasting hastily

Hunger deteriorated 

Deserted in silence

Nothing’s fulfilling

Aches almost violent

Longing is haunting

Still

Always

Wanting

 

Craving a presence

Break me out of my cell

This prison inside I made for myself

 

I buried the keys in the sand

Mind, body, and soul

Staggering

In search always

Always wanting to be found

Seeking for a love

Though I’m turned off

I’m so lost

 

Alone, depression seizes me

Ever ready to jump off a cliff

Voices whispers 

“There’s nothing holding you back. Go ahead, do it!”

Your love, it arrests me

Your heartbeat beckons my name

Your want summons me

Its strength gravitates me to your plane

 

There’s a channel to my spirit

The frequency always hidden

Noises, muzzled sounds

Echoes of silence

Something, someone

Always trying to get through

Finally a voice

A word,

You

Lost in the pitch of your voice

Such peace in your laughter

The lust in your tone

What else in life matters

 

Man was not made to be alone

You pulled me out

Safety being raptured feels like home

Thoughts At Midnight

Open your heart to me

Let me see

You

Like no other has

My keys fit your locks so

Let me pass

Have I not proven my love

Look into my eyes

See past my facade

You know this love feels right,

Like life, how it’s supposed to be

Take me as I am 

You’re already a part of me

My lungs 

My heart

So intertwined in how I breathe

And move

And go about my life

An extension of myself

A limb 

A sense

Hairs on my arm raise in your presence

You present a challenge

For me to be more

To deserve a chance to earn your love

I extend my time, my emotions, myself

You wear your heart on your sleeve

Let me guard it 

Speak

Your words are hidden in the crevices of your heart

Where love doth spark

I seek not to entertain

I hope to remain

By your side

In your mind

A lifetime’s full

You are mine

Eternity

I am yours

All of me

Eternally

Royalties???

 

Hello Peeps, I got my first “royalties” check in the mail and it made me question my sanity. It couldn’t buy a jar of peanut butter. Then my mind trailed off for a while on a tangent trying to discover if I’m writing for a check or writing to fulfill some space, some emptiness within me. So, I asked myself if no one ever bought any of my books would I still write. Without a second to pause, the answer was, Yes! I don’t know how to not write. Everything within me turns into a song or story or something written with heart and wonder.

I talked to a lot of writers and found out that they also go through the struggle. Whether they self-published or had a publisher, advertising always popped it ugly head asking for more of the pie. Don’t fret, everyone is going through something, just stay the course, keep asking questions and above all…don’t give up!

I know a lot of us write our stories wanting to change lives, but if no one reads are just killing ourselves. Writing is work, very hard work; the time you spend writing, the pressure for it to be good, the research to make sure it’s real. And then the payoff is so small, is it worth the effort?  If it’s what fulfills you then climb aboard and don’t give up until you reach your destination. Sometimes we need to put more coal in the fire, just don’t let the light go out. 

There’s no easy way to say it, the money will come or it won’t but your talent can’t be taken it can only grow if you train it and guard and don’t downplay it. It’s easily hurt. When people ask, “What do you do?” stick your chest out like a peacock, “I’m a writer! What do you do?”

 

To all my writer friends don’t give up, don’t beat yourself up, we’re in a competitive, alluring, and addictive business. Keep falling in love with your words, we will feel what you feel.